so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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