im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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