You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
