The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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