I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
