two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
