i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I need to stop coming to work sober
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
