I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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