before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
