He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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