Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
