I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i was born a porn star she said
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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