how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
