so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
