just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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