the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
