The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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