We named our party play list daddy issues
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize