I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
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