and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
