the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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