We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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