I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
