So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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