He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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