happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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