you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
