Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
