I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
