don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
