my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
