Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
