I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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