I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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