The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
