I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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