did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
