and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
