Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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