i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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