Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Already got asked if we're dating
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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