i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
