I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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