i'm signing you up for texting rehab
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
