He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
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I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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