I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
