$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
