I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
