Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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