My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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