My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
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i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
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Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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