He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
where are you?
Hypothermia
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
