maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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