I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
