how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
