just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I love having hate sex.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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