ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
