I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Randomize
