Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Alive.
So much puke
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
